I haven’t set any specific goals for posting on this blog yet but I do know that I want to try to get a good personal post in once or twice per week. By that I mean a post where I really take the time to sit down and honestly share what I’m thinking and feeling, like a true journal entry, rather than just sharing photos and information about the things that I’ve been up to. I do enjoy sharing those, too, but I want this to be a place where I really get into the nitty gritty of my mind. So I’m taking the opportunity on this slightly rainy Wednesday morning to jot some thoughts down before I get up and really get going with my day.

The Freelance Life

The main thing on my mind right now is work. In 2006 I left law school and a social work job to begin freelance writing full time. I did well for myself and enjoyed a lot of variety in that career path. However, I was doing writing primarily for other people’s sites and publications. Last year I decided that it was time to make another transition and start writing nearly entirely for my own stuff as opposed to for other people. So I’ve been focusing on my crochet blog and am re-launching this blog, have published a booklet of crocheter stories and am working on some other books. I am happier with my work that I have ever been in my life and that means a lot to me. But it comes with a price (or two).

The main concern right now is money, which is frustrating. The thing is that I’m not 21 anymore. I’ve experienced making decent money and I’ve grown accustomed to an adult life with some creature comforts. I don’t spend lavishly but I like expensive soy milk and the occasional bottle of wine and living alone in a lovely part of the city. It was a big step for me a few years ago when I got my own health insurance as a freelancer. And last year I started putting money in an IRA for the first time. And although I still have health insurance and I haven’t touched the money in the IRA, my savings are rapidly being depleted and I’m struggling with bills for the first time in a long time. That’s a frustrating stage to be at because it feels like I’m going backwards financially.

Most of the time, I’m okay with this. I think it’s worth it because I wake up every day wanting to do more work instead of dreading what I have to write that day. Writing for others had many wonderful benefits and there are things (even non-financial) that I miss about it which is why I do sometimes still seek out that type of work. However, writing for other people tended to drain my creativity whereas writing for myself just generates more and more creativity. I value that. It’s a quality of life issue for me and I’m willing to pay a price for that.

Moreover, I do believe that in the long term this path will lead to financial stability and even success. On a practical level, I’m doing more stuff that generates long-term passive income. Additionally, I’m getting the ball rolling on a true career whereas before I was just writing to support someone else’s career path and of course developing your own career is typically the better financial option. On a more esoteric level, there is a part of me that believes that when you are doing what you are happy doing and are also good at doing then you are on the right track and the universe (if you will) is going to reward you with the opportunities and advantages necessary to be successful.

So I’m happy with that. But when it comes time to actually pay the bills, it’s a little tough to remember that, which is part of why I’m journalling it down to keep it in perspective!

The other rough side of doing my own work is that those self-doubts creep in about my writing. It doesn’t matter how many accolades you get as a writer, when you sit down to develop the next step in your career, you always have doubt. You wonder if you’ve got anything left and if anything that you’ve written before was actually any good. And I have to fight that sometimes although it’s been better lately since I feel like I’m in line with what I’m truly wanting to do with my life. That said, there were doubts when writing for others as well, because I felt like my talents were being wasted writing the same types of articles again and again but at the same time wondered if I was capable of doing more. So I guess this isn’t really a new problem, just a different twist on it.

To keep things in perspective, I’m happy with this work and I’m getting closer to making ends meet so I think it’s all good for now despite some tough days.

On Being “Alone”

I suppose the other main thing on my mind these days is the whole idea of dating and what type of partner I want to have in this life. Throughout the course of my last relationship I truly desired a closer partnership with someone who really wanted to make a life with me. But sometimes I wonder whether that’s because I genuinely wanted that or if it’s because I wasn’t getting enough from that specific relationship and it caused a battle in me to want to fight for more. I’m not sure at this stage. Some days I feel very clear about what I want and other days I don’t have a clue. And I think that it’s important to know what you want before you get too involved with someone so that you can adequately articulate that to them. So that’s something that’s on my mind as I try to puzzle through it.

I think part of the problem is that what I think I want in theory doesn’t actually work with my personality. In fact, I was just talking to a good friend of mine about this. Somehow we had gotten to talking about couples that make life lists (bucket lists) and keep journals and that kind of thing together. And I said that I always kind of wanted a partnership like that. However the truth is that my personality is really independent and in the end I don’t think that I’m attracted to the type of relationship that would involve that level of interactivity with one another on such a steady basis.

But I’m not sure. Because sometimes I fantasize about having a life partner who would also be my work partner and with whom I could collaborate creatively. But then sometimes that sounds terrible. I don’t really want to spend so much time with anyone that I’m with them at work and at home. Heck, I don’t even know that I really want to share my home with someone. So maybe I want a work partner OR a life partner but not both, either from the same person or from two different people.

In reality, I think that a lot of this will solve itself as time goes on and I start meeting people and figuring out what works with whoever I “click” with. One of the core things I learned in therapy was that I do a lot of “future tripping” and that it’s really valuable for me to learn to “be where I am” and deal with what I’m actually feeling in the moment. At the same time, I do feel like I tend to lose myself in relationships in a way that isn’t healthy for me and I want to have at least some solid sense of what I’m seeking in order to avoid the worst of that.

At this stage, I’m not dating, but I’m beginning to think about dating. I think that whatever happens, I’m going to need to take it slowly and feel my way along and stay in touch with myself. We’ll see.

Quick Birth Control Update

I mentioned previously that I’m going off of birth control after five years. I thought I’d give a little update to say that I’m not actually experiencing anything different with my body yet. I’ve been off the pill for about a week now (plus the week that would have been placebo pills anyway) and I expected to feel something or other but besides being a little more tired than usual I’m feeling the same as always.

Tags: journal entry, musings, thoughts