I’ll be spending the day hiking here:

The photo is a 2009 picture I took from the same trail. New photos to come after the hike!

Tags: hiking, hiking trail, north bay, San Francisco

I haven’t set any specific goals for posting on this blog yet but I do know that I want to try to get a good personal post in once or twice per week. By that I mean a post where I really take the time to sit down and honestly share what I’m thinking and feeling, like a true journal entry, rather than just sharing photos and information about the things that I’ve been up to. I do enjoy sharing those, too, but I want this to be a place where I really get into the nitty gritty of my mind. So I’m taking the opportunity on this slightly rainy Wednesday morning to jot some thoughts down before I get up and really get going with my day.

The Freelance Life

The main thing on my mind right now is work. In 2006 I left law school and a social work job to begin freelance writing full time. I did well for myself and enjoyed a lot of variety in that career path. However, I was doing writing primarily for other people’s sites and publications. Last year I decided that it was time to make another transition and start writing nearly entirely for my own stuff as opposed to for other people. So I’ve been focusing on my crochet blog and am re-launching this blog, have published a booklet of crocheter stories and am working on some other books. I am happier with my work that I have ever been in my life and that means a lot to me. But it comes with a price (or two).

The main concern right now is money, which is frustrating. The thing is that I’m not 21 anymore. I’ve experienced making decent money and I’ve grown accustomed to an adult life with some creature comforts. I don’t spend lavishly but I like expensive soy milk and the occasional bottle of wine and living alone in a lovely part of the city. It was a big step for me a few years ago when I got my own health insurance as a freelancer. And last year I started putting money in an IRA for the first time. And although I still have health insurance and I haven’t touched the money in the IRA, my savings are rapidly being depleted and I’m struggling with bills for the first time in a long time. That’s a frustrating stage to be at because it feels like I’m going backwards financially.

Most of the time, I’m okay with this. I think it’s worth it because I wake up every day wanting to do more work instead of dreading what I have to write that day. Writing for others had many wonderful benefits and there are things (even non-financial) that I miss about it which is why I do sometimes still seek out that type of work. However, writing for other people tended to drain my creativity whereas writing for myself just generates more and more creativity. I value that. It’s a quality of life issue for me and I’m willing to pay a price for that.

Moreover, I do believe that in the long term this path will lead to financial stability and even success. On a practical level, I’m doing more stuff that generates long-term passive income. Additionally, I’m getting the ball rolling on a true career whereas before I was just writing to support someone else’s career path and of course developing your own career is typically the better financial option. On a more esoteric level, there is a part of me that believes that when you are doing what you are happy doing and are also good at doing then you are on the right track and the universe (if you will) is going to reward you with the opportunities and advantages necessary to be successful.

So I’m happy with that. But when it comes time to actually pay the bills, it’s a little tough to remember that, which is part of why I’m journalling it down to keep it in perspective!

The other rough side of doing my own work is that those self-doubts creep in about my writing. It doesn’t matter how many accolades you get as a writer, when you sit down to develop the next step in your career, you always have doubt. You wonder if you’ve got anything left and if anything that you’ve written before was actually any good. And I have to fight that sometimes although it’s been better lately since I feel like I’m in line with what I’m truly wanting to do with my life. That said, there were doubts when writing for others as well, because I felt like my talents were being wasted writing the same types of articles again and again but at the same time wondered if I was capable of doing more. So I guess this isn’t really a new problem, just a different twist on it.

To keep things in perspective, I’m happy with this work and I’m getting closer to making ends meet so I think it’s all good for now despite some tough days.

On Being “Alone”

I suppose the other main thing on my mind these days is the whole idea of dating and what type of partner I want to have in this life. Throughout the course of my last relationship I truly desired a closer partnership with someone who really wanted to make a life with me. But sometimes I wonder whether that’s because I genuinely wanted that or if it’s because I wasn’t getting enough from that specific relationship and it caused a battle in me to want to fight for more. I’m not sure at this stage. Some days I feel very clear about what I want and other days I don’t have a clue. And I think that it’s important to know what you want before you get too involved with someone so that you can adequately articulate that to them. So that’s something that’s on my mind as I try to puzzle through it.

I think part of the problem is that what I think I want in theory doesn’t actually work with my personality. In fact, I was just talking to a good friend of mine about this. Somehow we had gotten to talking about couples that make life lists (bucket lists) and keep journals and that kind of thing together. And I said that I always kind of wanted a partnership like that. However the truth is that my personality is really independent and in the end I don’t think that I’m attracted to the type of relationship that would involve that level of interactivity with one another on such a steady basis.

But I’m not sure. Because sometimes I fantasize about having a life partner who would also be my work partner and with whom I could collaborate creatively. But then sometimes that sounds terrible. I don’t really want to spend so much time with anyone that I’m with them at work and at home. Heck, I don’t even know that I really want to share my home with someone. So maybe I want a work partner OR a life partner but not both, either from the same person or from two different people.

In reality, I think that a lot of this will solve itself as time goes on and I start meeting people and figuring out what works with whoever I “click” with. One of the core things I learned in therapy was that I do a lot of “future tripping” and that it’s really valuable for me to learn to “be where I am” and deal with what I’m actually feeling in the moment. At the same time, I do feel like I tend to lose myself in relationships in a way that isn’t healthy for me and I want to have at least some solid sense of what I’m seeking in order to avoid the worst of that.

At this stage, I’m not dating, but I’m beginning to think about dating. I think that whatever happens, I’m going to need to take it slowly and feel my way along and stay in touch with myself. We’ll see.

Quick Birth Control Update

I mentioned previously that I’m going off of birth control after five years. I thought I’d give a little update to say that I’m not actually experiencing anything different with my body yet. I’ve been off the pill for about a week now (plus the week that would have been placebo pills anyway) and I expected to feel something or other but besides being a little more tired than usual I’m feeling the same as always.

Tags: journal entry, musings, thoughts

I thought I’d share some photos of my dinner which is a rice noodle beef stir fry with ingredients from the Japanese supermarket:

Tags: cooking, dinner, japanese food

How the heck is it already Monday again? I’m not sure but I do know that it means that it’s Happy Homemaker Monday here on this blog, a project which is hosted by Diary of a Stay at Home Mom. Here’s what is going on right now in my world.

The weather:::

This week’s weather in San Francisco is typical for this time of year as we enter our rainy season.

On my reading pile:::  

KaChing: How to Run an Online Business that Pays and Pays

Unexpected Crochet For The Home; I reviewed this one and am now working from it

On my TV:::

In addition to the usual stuff, I’ve added a few new TV shows to what I’m watching:

Did you know that I’ve written a book on the Ghosts of Alcatraz?

On the menu for this week:::

I went to the Japanese supermarket a few days ago and it turns out that they have a great selection of thinly cut meats. I rarely cook meat but I picked up some beef as well as some pork so I’m going to try my hand at doing something with that this week. I’ll probably make a stir fry one day and just a rice bowl with veggies and beef the other day. We’ll see.

On my to do list:::

• Dentist appointment (sad face)
• Do a proposal for a crochet magazine story
• Resume regular exercise routine

What I am sewing, crocheting, knitting or creating:::

• Wrapping up my work on my 2011 photo scrapbook
• Frogging and fixing the crochet dress I was working on last week
• Crocheting mittens for charity (going to Bridge and Beyond)

Looking around the house:::

Uh oh … my comfy couch looks just as bad as it did when I reported last week. Still covered with junk to be sorted through. How did a whole go by without dealing with it? I think this is how hoarding starts!

From the camera:::

Sometimes my breakfast smiles at me.

Something fun to share:::

I participated in my first cross-blog conversation on my crochet blog, talking each day with Sara from Mom with a Hook. It was wonderful and it makes me want to do more of these conversations. In fact, I’ll be doing one here next week chatting with Aprile of The Steady Hand.

Inspirational Quote:::

“If our shadow could talk, it would tell us that our brightest light can shine only when we’ve accepted our darkness.” ~ Debbie Ford

Happy Monday everyone!

Tags: day in my life, happy homemaker monday

I often think of small little notes that I want to share with others but they aren’t things that require a whole blog post. I’ll be sharing these in short snippets under the feature title: K-Tips. (Kathryn’s Tips).

For example, today I was thinking about how I mix my coffee and tea and I thought that others might like to know that I do this by putting two different coffee filters into the coffee maker. I put the coffee in first then I put a second filter on top of that and add the loose tea. Then I brew as normal. The reason that I do this is because the tea can be re-used many days in a row but the coffee is too weak if you re-use it. So I pop the tea filter out, put in new coffee in a bottom filter and then pop the tea back in.

Tags: coffee tea, Food, K-tips

Treating myself to what feels like a really sweet super indulgent breakfast and yet is a lot healthier than something like French Toast or Corned Beef Hash and Hash Browns. Yummy morning. (It’s not on the photo but there’s a side of half grapefruit here too).

Tags: breakfast, Food, healthy eating, meals

Ebook publisher Hyperink.com asked: What is the best book you read in the last year? Here’s my answer …

Although I’ve read quite a few books in the past year, there is only one that comes to mind when I’m asked my favorite: Room: A Novel by Emma Donahue. Room is a novel about a child born to a woman who was kidnapped and has been trapped in a room since before the child was born. The thought-provoking, heart-wrenching tale is told from the child’s perspective.

Room is impressive because it takes on the task of telling a story from a highly unusual perspective. It is difficult to write a book in the voice of a five year old that will appeal to adults and yet Donahue does this seamlessly. She imagines what the world would seem like if you grew up only in a single room with no outside influence and were then thrust into the larger world. It’s a terrifying prospect that makes for an amazing story about both the internal and external worlds of a child in a rare situation.

Tags: best books, books, emma donahue, fiction, room

It is four thirty in the afternoon and I’m really just kind of getting going. Despite the stereotypes about people who work from home sleeping in and spending all day in their pajamas, I don’t usually do this. Actually, I didn’t do it today either. I did get up and take a package to UPS and get some groceries but then I came home and I felt tired so I thought I’d take a quick nap and before I knew it the day had slipped away. Sometimes you have to honor what your body needs.

That’s actually going to be a big focus for me in the next month or so. On the one hand, I’m getting back into an exercise routine and trying to get going with that. But on the other hand I’m making some changes to my medications and I’m not sure how they are going to affect the way that I feel so I need to pay attention to that as well. I had been on Ambien for awhile and am now almost completely off it so that’s one change down. Now I’m on to what may be a bigger change – getting off of birth control pills.

I’ve been on birth control pills for about five years straight through. Prior to that I had been on them for several years in the past with a gap between that and the most recent usage starting. I’ve decided it’s time to come off of them for several reasons. An obvious reason is that I’m not in a relationship anymore and I don’t foresee starting one anytime soon. And even if I do, I would want to use condoms for a long time with any new partner until we both had been monogamous for six months and done STD testing, etc. You know, the whole adult approach to sexuality. So as far as preventing pregnancy, I don’t feel like I need the pill.

I also don’t feel like I want to be on it anymore because I have this underlying sense that my body is changing and I want it to be able to do that without synthetic hormones so I can get a sense of what’s really going on with it. I’ve gained a lot of weight in the past year or so and it’s hard to take it off and I’m not sure why that is. It could have absolutely no relationship to the pill but I feel like it may be some type of aging hormonal thing and there’s a nagging intuition that going off of the pill may help. We’ll see. I’ve done the research and there’s a possibility of either weight loss or weight gain when going off the pill but either way it should even itself out after a month or two. And after that I’ll see where things stand.

I have some nervous feelings about going off of the pill. For one thing, I’ve been on it continuously, cycling through, meaning that I only have periods about four times per year. I’ve always had some bad PMS symptoms when off the pill and I’m not relishing experiencing those once a month again. More importantly, I worry about how this might affect my moods. The PMS symptoms I’m aware of are all physical. Prior to going back on the pill, I hadn’t really realized how affected I was by serious depression. That depression is now under control with medication but there’s no telling what kind of moods or feelings will be incurred during the process of getting the pill out of my system and getting my hormones back in working order. My psychiatrist is aware of this and these days I have the good sense to ask for help if I need it so I’m not scared but am a little nervous to see what happens.

At the same time, I’m also a little curious. This is really the first time in my life that I’ve been truly in touch with what’s going on with my body and my moods and I think it’s going to be a good experience to have the opportunity to learn more about the natural state of my body (mostly natural – I’ll still be on anti-depressants). So we’ll see. Hopefully all goes well.

Tags: birth control, going off birth control, health, stopping birth control

I’m just starting to wake up. For me that means, in part, going through my Twitter feed as I enjoy my first cup of coffee. I followed a link from one of my Tweeps to a video by a man who has done a self-portrait every day for twelve years. That’s a long time to keep committed to a daily project, which is inspiring in and of itself. More that that, though, the well-edited video shows how our daily activities make up our lives and how art can be used to transform our own lives. I wanted to share:

Jeff Harris: 4,748 Self-Portraits and Counting from We Know Music on Vimeo.

Via BoooooooM

Tags: documentary, inspiration, jeff harris, video

I just got the announcement in my inbox that it’s almost time for this year’s Discarded to Divine fashion event. I had the wonderful opportunity of attending the event for the first time last year and I definitely want to go again. It’s a great event where independent fashion designers take thrift store clothing, upcycle it into amazing fashions and then auction it off in both a live fashion show and a silent auction. The proceeds go to help San Franciscans in need.

Discarded to Divine History

This event started in 2005. Sally Rosen of the St. Vincent de Paul Society was going through the clothing that had been donated and was sad to see so many items that had to be thrown away because they were badly stained or otherwise unwearable. She started wondering what talented fashion designers could do to upcycle the designs and thus the idea was born. Local designers put their talents to work, made a big impression and the event has been a popular one ever since. If you like the recycled and innovation challenges on Project Runway then you’d like Discarded to Divine.

Some Photos From Last Year

The 2012 Event

The 7th Annual Discarded to Divine fashion auction takes place on Thursday, April 26. It is going to be located at the San Francisco Design Center Galleria, a new venue for the event. I’m especially excited because this year the designers were inspired by the exhibits at the de Young Museum including the Spring 2012 exhibit of fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier’s great work. I can’t wait to see what they make!

Tags: discarded to divine, recycled fashion, upcycled design